Are you a food snob? Then let me be the first to tell you that you SUCK. There are few things more irritating than a know-it-all food snob, especially when their attention is focused on MY food.
Be advised that there is a distinction between foodies and food snobs. Foodies are food enthusiasts. They enjoy trying new things and have a tendency to be the "fashionistas" of the culinary world, drifting with the ever flowing current of food trends. At times, foodies can be a bit annoying, too, but at least they have good intentions. If goat cheese is "in", they'll probably expect it to be incorporated into every menu item. Food snobs, on the other hand, are married to brand names and believe that the only way to get something of quality is by paying a lot of money for it. Food snobs enjoy pointing out every flaw they think your food has and have no qualms about explaining to you - the chef / professional - how it should be done.
I typically ignore food snobs because let's face it, I have a short fuse and could see myself telling one to take his opinion and shove it. However, a couple weeks ago, a food snob snuck up on me and I didn't even see him coming. He was disguised as a return customer happily coming back along with his partner to buy some more of my pasta sauces. The man loooooves my pasta sauces (or so he said), so clearly he has good taste, right? Anybody??
Everything was going well. He purchased two sauces and then decided to order a couple paninis. The partner ordered one of my most popular ones that I call The Gaucho, which has roast beef, my homemade chimichurri sauce, provolone cheese, and peperonata (marinated Italian peppers), which is one the antipastos I prepare, all grilled on ciabatta bread. The food snob ordered The Milanese, which has turkey breast, peperonata, provolone, and pesto aioli (fancy word for pesto mixed with mayonnaise) on ciabatta bread. I got the Gaucho onto the grill and starting working on the Milanese, all the while the food snob was watching me like a hawk despite me having invited him to have a seat several times.
I popped the Milanese on the grill and move on to some crepes for another customer when my assistant tells me he overheard the food snob complaining about his panini. Mind you, he still hasn't gotten it yet. Apparently, he had an issue with the brand of turkey I was using. According to his comments, it's a terrible brand, but he's just going to deal with it because he had already ordered it. Of course, at this point I already knew that there's going to be trouble. It began with a complaint about the panini being too dry, nevermind the pesto aioli and all the juices from the marinated peppers.
They finished up and I thought that I was going to get away without having to hear any more complaints when he approaches me to have the turkey discussion. Dammit! He goes on and on about how my brand is awful and that I really should consider using Boar's Head instead. He continues by criticizing my "roasted peppers" and tells me that the white vinegar I use in them is too overpowering and blah blah blah (I tuned out after he called my beloved antipasto of marinated peppers 'roasted peppers'). He wraps up the endless critique with, "Your sauces are delicious, but I'm sorry to tell you, I'm not impressed with your paninis. You should really work on that." Why couldn't that duck that loves to fly into the market and crap in vendor's booths appear at that moment and use this man's head for target practice? Where's that damn duck when you need it?!
It took every ounce of self-control to look at him with a smile and thank him for his feedback... and then I proceeded to calmly explain to him how wrong he was. What? Did you really think I was going take that laying down? I defended the brand I usedand explained how the packaging is beneficial for the open market environment. The fact that we only open on the weekends makes it challenging to hold food for extended periods, so the small portion packaging is essential for keeping the ingredients fresh. Furthermore, Boar's Head turkey breast, although I agree is a superior brand, costs about $10 per pound. How would he suggest that I maintain my paninis at $6.25 if I'm using a $10/lb turkey breast that would have to be discarded each weekend? Hmmmm? (He actually agreed with me on this part - points for me!). Finally, as for the peppers, it's not white vinegar, it's red wine vinegar and the reason it tastes like that is because it's a traditional antipasto - it's supposed to taste like that. Did you know that food snob? Well, did you?! Oh, it doesn't come in a jar with a familiar label? Of course it doesn't, fool, any foodie would know that.
Being the customer service oriented chef that I am, I apologized for the inconvenience and invited him back in the hopes that he'd give me an opportunity to make it up to him. *Sigh* What can I say? Despite having imagined the duck plus a dozen pigeons shitting on him the way he was shitting on me, I'm still in the hospitality business. When all is said and done, sucking up a little bit goes a long way in this industry. But don't mess with me again... beware food snobs, we chefs have ways to mess with you (all hygenic, I promise) and you'll be none the wiser. And that's all I have to say about that.
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